Peace out 2011

It has been a long, hard year. A year filled with change, hope, heartbreak, defeat and success. I pushed myself to new limits this year and was surprised at how much I accomplished. Even while achieving so many personal goals, I am looking forward to putting this year behind me and starting fresh in 2012.

In January 2011 I committed to run the Ogden Marathon with Team in Training (TNT). TNT is a non profit organization that helps people achieve their fitness goals while raising money for cancer. As a beginner I was worried that crossing the finish line would be impossible. My coach Scott pushed me so incredibly hard that I actually could visualize the finish line. I remember running harder and faster with each Saturday team run and enjoying the time I could spend breathing the fresh air and throwing my emotions on the pavement. With each step I felt stronger and more alive. 5 miles quickly turned into 10 and 10 quickly turned into 20 miles. As I think about it now, I am astonished at the thought that I enjoyed running 20 miles. After successful raising (with much help from friends and family) $1600 for the leukemia and lymphoma society and completing multiple 5, 10, 15 and one 20 mile run. I was officially "trained."

It's Official

May 21, 2011. The Big Day. I drove to Ogden the night before and enjoyed eating, resting and walking through town. My alarm clock went off at 3:45 AM, I jumped out of bed and started preparing for the run. I layered my clothing as instructed, ate 2 protein bars and a banana, filled my belt with salt packets and GU. I was ready. I walked to the bus station and got on the "FULL" marathon bus. There was no turning back now. The bus ride was approx 45 minutes long. We rode up into the Ogden Canyon from finish line to starting line. As we arrived to the start line I felt my adrenaline kick in. I got off the bus and was ready for the gun fire!

All smiles at mile 10

The first ten miles were pretty easy. I kept a good pace and was doing everything I was taught. On the even miles I rehydrated with Gatorade, ate a banana and every 45 minutes chug a GU. Things we going great. I reached 1/2 way point and started feeling discouraged. Right at half way the course started going uphill. I was exhausted and tired. I knew I had to be out of the Ogden canyon (approx mile 20) by 1130 am. If my calculations we correct I had to maintain at least a 14 minute mile. Mile 18 and 19 were definitely the hardest, I had to make up some time from the uphill portion of the race. I ran my butt off mile 19. I knew I didn't want to get in the truck that took people down who didn't reach the bottom of the canyon in time. I reached mile 20 at 1127 with only minutes left. As I looked back at all those people behind me I felt an extreme sense of accomplishment. The people were loaded in a truck and they all drove passed me waving and cheering. I secretly wanted to be in that truck!  My legs were so tired they were shaking. I didn't know if I could finish. With every step I grimaced. I called my mom and was crying and desperately wanted her to come get me. She offered and I eventually refused. I had to finish. I had to prove that I was strong enough both physically and emotionally. Scott, my coach met me at mile 23. He walked with me the remaining 3.2 miles. If he wouldn't have been there I don't think I could have finished. I was so miserable. My hands were the size of sausages from all the salt, my legs were shaking, my stomach was cramping and I could feel my toenails breaking with each step.

You can see the pain in my face 

As I turned the corner onto the final last half mile I saw my mom, my best friend Lauren, her mom, step dad and husband all cheering and holding signs. I again became emotionally overwhelmed. It was so nice to feel the support of those who cared about me. As I crossed the finish line I gave Scott a high five and hugged my supporters. A medal was placed around my neck and I suddenly realized I completed a marathon. Something less than 2% of the entire world accomplishes. Although I was disappointed with my time of 6 hours 46 minutes and 28 seconds, I was happy to be finished and even more happy to reward myself with CHANEL!

Finally

Medal Time

My Biggest Fan

BFF

So happy

26.2 Baby!

From the moment I signed up to complete a marathon I knew my motivation and reward had to be HUGE! Something I thought that would be worthy of the training required to complete a marathon. I immediately thought of Chanel. Everything Chanel is so unique, beautiful, timeless, classy and the epitome of womanhood. I told myself that if I trained for and completed a full marathon I would reward myself with a Chanel hand bag. As I trained for a little over 6 months, I saved and saved for what I envisioned to be the most beautiful thing in my wardrobe.

A Constant Motivator

I purchased my very own Chanel hand bag in a Chanel boutique in San Diego. She was a  beautiful Ivory Patent Leather stitched with famous quilted pattern. Embellished with sterling silver straps and large Chanel symbol hanging from the front. She is everything I wanted in a Chanel handbag and knowing that she was my reward honestly kept me going. :)

She is all wrapped up

Congrats Whitney

Love Her

Love her x2

(Unfortunately, my Chanel bag was ruined by a cheap dress from Down East and I am currently resolving this issue. Let's leave that story for another post.)

As if completing a marathon and owning my very own Chanel bag  wasn't enough excitement for one year I surprised myself with 2 more achievements. In August 2011 I left my job at Intermountain Health Care for a better job at Huntsman Cancer Institute. The last 4 months has proved to me that this is where I belong and I look forward to advancing my career here.

 3 weeks after changing jobs I began casually house hunting. I knew we were in a buyers market and now that my job was in Salt Lake I could move to a more desirable location. I looked at many houses online, contacted a realtor and submitted a mortgage application. I knew how picky I am and this process would probably take forever! I found a house online that I immediately fell in love with. I contacted my realtor and told her I absolutely had to look at it. It was in the ideal location, within my price range and was absolutely adorable. She made an appointment along with many others and I started my first day of official house hunting. Everything I saw was terrible. I couldn't get out of some places fast enough. Then it was time to see what in my mind was already my home. I walked in the front door and something inside me told me "this is home." I looked around and was anxious to make an offer. My mom stopped dead in her tracks, I could tell by her eyes that she wanted me to look at more places. I knew in my heart this was it and I didn't need to look anymore. I meet my realtor at the house the next day (my parents suggested I sleep on it) and submitted my offer. Later that day my realtor called and told me my offer was accepted and I was going to close on September 15, 2011! I was ecstatic and frightened! Could I do this, be a home owner?

Home Sweet Home

Septemer 15, 2011: Officially a home owner

I closed on September 15, 2011. I remember signing page after page of rules and regulations, payment guarantees and other legal documents. I felt somewhat angry that my paperwork referred to me as a "unmarried single woman." Are we still in the 1930's. How about successful, fabulous single woman? Yes, I would prefer that wording instead. I got the keys to my new home and immediately started remodeling. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. As my dad and I tried to do most of the work ourselves things became quite overwhelming. In total we have completely gutted both bathrooms and the kitchen, replaced all the doors, electrical outlets, moulding and door frames. We have changed all the light fixtures, blinds and appliances. We have painted the entire house (or in this case paid someone to do it!) and added personal touches in the master bedroom with 2 tone paint, a shelf and new french doors to the balcony. It has been stressful, overwhelming, costly and at times aggravating. After 3+ months of remodeling I am happy to announce that I am half way moved in and will hopefully be completely moved in by the first weekend in January.

New Wall

Painting Doors

Personalizing the Master Bedroom

Hard at Work 

(Stay tuned for Before and After Pics!)

Overall, 2011 has been one of the most successful years of my life. I have accomplished things I never thought possible while overcoming tremendous heartbreak. I am so excited for this new chapter of my life and can't wait to start 2012!

2011 Christmas Ornaments: A house key and 26.2 miles. Such a big year. 

What's on the bucket list for 2012 you ask....? I hope to adopt a puppy, go on a fabulous vacation, become an Aunt to baby ricci, laugh more and make memories to last a lifetime!

A Reason to Hope...





After two years on the 3rd floor at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, I decided to make a job change to Huntsman Cancer Institute at the University of Utah.



Here is how it all happened....

     My first interview at Huntsman was back in June, I remember feeling immediately impressed with the people, the patients and the atmosphere. I experienced an entirely different feeling about patient care during my first tour of the building and clinics. Something inside me said, "hey this place is different." The hustle and bustle of everyday nursing life felt quieter, more contained, more manageable. The staff I was introduced to made me feel like I was a person rather than candidate #38. It was refreshing. Due to the craziness of summer I had my 3rd and final interview in the middle of July. I was informed later that week that I was not chosen for the position. About a week later Joan, the manager called me and said she would like me to come in and interview for a job that was recently posted. After being turned down for the first job, I was apprehensive about taking more time off work, going through another interview process and "putting myself out there again." I agreed to come in for an interview and told myself "just go see what happens." I met with Joan again and she told me about the position. The job I was interviewing for was in the neuro-oncology department "aka brain tumors." I met with the team; the nurse and the doctor I would be working for. After speaking with them and the intense learning curveI felt scared about the change and all the new education required to become a cancer nurse. I withdrew my application. I didn't know if I was ready to be an outpatient nurse... Monday-Friday 7:30-4:00, a desk, clinical research, care coordination, becoming an expert on "the brain." It all was terrifying. Right after withdrawing my application, the manager called me and said she received my withdrawal email and wanted to talk. We talked about my fear of failing. After speaking with her, I withdrew my withdrawal and she offered me the job. I accepted and felt a strange sense of relief and excitement. I notified my boss at Utah Valley of my new position and was asked to stay on as needed, or "PRN." I agreed to work every third weekend for the time being.

      I was set to start August 8, 2011. I attended new employee orientation, nursing orientation, skills pass off and computer training that week. I was completely overwhelmed and hadn't even started my job yet!! The next week I came in and was introduced to all the clinic staff and the neuro oncology staff. I set-up my email, phone and computer. I organized my desk, ordered business cards and met some patients. We talked about chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. I attended "tumor board" where the entire neuro department gets together and discusses complicated cases. I sat there looking at MRI images, thinking how in the world is this ever going to make sense!!!! Words like oligiodendroglioma, glioblastoma, astrocytoma, stereotactic radiation, 1P/19Q deleted, RTOG85 were thrown around like common terms. I didn't understand one thing that was discussed in the meeting. I felt defeated, confused and worried that I made a huge mistake.

   

     I told my self I would give the job 2 months before I made a decision about how much I liked it. The learning curve in nursing can be so large I thought this was an adequate time frame. Since then I have met many more patients and been thrown into the craziness of the neuro clinic. Patients have gotten to know me by name and have called with concerns and questions regarding their diagnosis. The hardest thing about this job is the emotional toll it takes to be a cancer nurse. Every patient I see is forced to face their mortality. It is

scary and confusing to think about death. Unfortunately, brain tumors are incurable. We can treat them and prolong life but eventually our patients will die from the tumor. It can become emotionally unsettling

knowing that in 2 years or so, the patients I met today will be gone.

   When the Huntsmans opened the Huntsman Cancer Institute they did so ensuring cancer patients could go somewhere to receive hope. All along the walls, in the elevators and in the mission statement it says "a reason to hope." I become quite emotional when I think about the 1000's of people who walk in this building hoping for something or someone to change their outcome. Hoping for a treatment or a cure, a new way of life or a change in an inevitable fate that many of us will face. I feel I am taking part in a movement that is dedicated to change the lives of those around us. If I can help one person feel less anxiety, come to terms with their mortality and/or die gracefully I know my life will be successful.

     I learn so much from my patients and their strength and courage. Their willingness to sign up for clinical

trials and participate in research that they know will only affect the people that come after them. They want a cure but not for themselves but for their grandkids. It amazes me to watch the strength of the patient and their loved ones who come to endless doctor appointments, undergo brain surgery, chemotherapy and radiation all with a smile on their face and tremendous gratitude to the staff. I have yet to met a patient that has not thanked me for my service to them and this organization. I am so grateful to work in place that reminds me how special life is and at any moment our lives can change. I am grateful to be able to help those who are in search for hope and working for a company that provides patients and their families a place filled with hope...

Through Experience Comes Knowledge

     It's hard to believe I have been a nurse for 2 years. It seems like just yesterday I was graduating nursing school and preparing for the NCLEX. In my eyes I am still a baby nurse, all though I can walk on my own I still depend on those higher than me for support. Lately,  I have been thinking about what I have learned over the last 2 years and how much I still have to grow. The following are things I learned and know for sure about Nursing...

      *Nurses are the eyes and ears of everything healthcare. We are the liaison between the patients and the physicians. We instruct, or in doctors opinions "recommend" what would be best and needs to be done to keep our patients healthy. During a twelve hour shift we commit ourselves to our patients, we start off us strangers and depart with well wishes and hope. We assess, treat, medicate, bathe, feed, reposition, walk, monitor and emotionally support our patients. We dedicate ourselves to being clincially excellent and emotionally available.. We are trusted with life threatening medical information, dying wishes and biggest fears. We see people at their worst and convince them their hair doesn't look that bad. We are everything healthcare.

     * The scariest word in a hospital besides cancer, is Oops!

     *Men are bigger babies than women, end of story. I have seen more men cry about lab draws, IV sticks, headaches, catheters, surgery pain and the "uncomfortable" hospital environment than any woman.

     *CPR is the most violent act I have ever seen

     *  Bad things Happen. Wear a seat belt while driving, keep your baby buckled up in the backseat, wear a helmet, don't text and drive, don't let fido sit on your lap while operating a motor vehicle and look both ways before you cross the street! 

    *The hospital is a dirty dirty place. Did you know most nurses don't wear their shoes in their house? Or immediately shower after leaving the hospital? I can promise you, if you knew what was on the floor 5 minutes before you walked in to visit grandpa, you wouldn't let your kids walk around barefoot, bring linens from home, play on the floor or bring you newborn baby!

     *Everything we see on Greys Anantomy, Private Practice, House or any other Medical Shows are fake and unrealistic.

     *Nurses see everything and most tell their friends... Penile Implants, Piercings, Foreign Objects Stuck in Body Cavities and Strange Body Fluids, just to name a few! 

     *Heroin will kill you, Meth will rot your teeth, Prescription drug abuse will leave you hopeless, untrustworthy and alone, alcohol addiction will make you do anything for a drink even if it means drinking anti-freeze. 

All though some days are extremely difficult both physically and emotionally. I love being a nurse. I am excited to continue learning and helping others. 

LOVE A NURSE ! 

Day of Organizing....Day of Remembrance.

   With the excitement of buying my very own townhouse and the alpha phi garage sale around the corner I knew I had to start organizing my life. Deep down I knew why I had been putting this gut wrenching task off for so long.... what memories would be triggered by going through boxes of stuff that I packed when I left cedar city back in May of 2009 and haven't touched since? How many things would I find that reminded me of him? 

    As I took a deep breath, I started. I pulled a large tupperware container from under my bed and started going through it. It was filled with all my nursing school folders. I remember nursing school controlling my life, how much effort I put into school and wanting to be the best nurse ever! Care plans, pharmacology flash cards and five 3 inch binders filled with notes on how to be the perfect nurse.What a load of CRAP!!!  I have learned more in the last 2 years actually working as a nurse than any professor or text book could teach me. Thats the funny thing about school, somethings can't be taught inside a classroom....

   It didn't take long until I was forced to deal with pictures I swore to never to look at again, gifts, poems, love notes and memories of what an outsider would think was a "perfect relationship." My heart hurt,  hurt like hell to be honest. My eyes swelled with tears and I thought about putting all the things that caused so much pain away for a decade! But I knew that at some point I would have to deal with the idea that I was single, and Adam was no longer a part of my life. Although I had known it was over for a very long time, that didn't make it hurt less or make it easier to deal with the memories when we were happy. I stayed strong and sorted through my life, discarding everything that dealt with him. He hurt me, devastated me and the idea of keeping something that reminded me of that deep dark place was unbearable. Maybe I should have reconsidered. Maybe I should have kept the hand written poem about my eyes or the bookmark from my planner with a quote about love and our picture. Maybe one day I'll regret it, but as for today, I did what I thought was best.

    I know throwing away pictures, notes and everything else that whispers his name will never erase the memory of him but maybe, just maybe it will make the memory of him a little further away...

     

Maybe One Day...

   Wow! I can't believe it has been a year since Adam and I decided to part ways. Everything was supposed to be so different. I often think how different my life would be had things worked out. Would I be a married homeowner? Or would I still be a naive girl in a futureless relationship?
    I promised myself that I would feel better in a year, that my heart would be whole again. Why does it still feel as broken as it was a year ago? Why does it still hurt so much? Why does the idea of Texas Roadhouse or the Salt  Lake Bees still make my heartbeat palpable through my chest wall.
    I feel that the significance of the post lies much deeper than what meets the eye. The notion that I can speak about what happened and admit to the betrayal I feel inside makes me believe that maybe I am doing better than I think. Maybe I have healed. Maybe I will always be completely devastated by the end of what I truly believed was my relationship destiny. Maybe one day I will be able to look back on the last 3 years and not feel anything at all. Maybe, one day all of this will make sense. Unfortunately, that day is not today.

The First Post

Welcome to Whitney's Blog!!!! I am still working out the kinks and trying to figure out what in the world I am doing. I feel a little lost (sort of like my mom when she tries to use the DVR!) Hopefully I can Whitney-fy this soon so it will be as fabulous as I want it to be!