Day of Organizing....Day of Remembrance.

   With the excitement of buying my very own townhouse and the alpha phi garage sale around the corner I knew I had to start organizing my life. Deep down I knew why I had been putting this gut wrenching task off for so long.... what memories would be triggered by going through boxes of stuff that I packed when I left cedar city back in May of 2009 and haven't touched since? How many things would I find that reminded me of him? 

    As I took a deep breath, I started. I pulled a large tupperware container from under my bed and started going through it. It was filled with all my nursing school folders. I remember nursing school controlling my life, how much effort I put into school and wanting to be the best nurse ever! Care plans, pharmacology flash cards and five 3 inch binders filled with notes on how to be the perfect nurse.What a load of CRAP!!!  I have learned more in the last 2 years actually working as a nurse than any professor or text book could teach me. Thats the funny thing about school, somethings can't be taught inside a classroom....

   It didn't take long until I was forced to deal with pictures I swore to never to look at again, gifts, poems, love notes and memories of what an outsider would think was a "perfect relationship." My heart hurt,  hurt like hell to be honest. My eyes swelled with tears and I thought about putting all the things that caused so much pain away for a decade! But I knew that at some point I would have to deal with the idea that I was single, and Adam was no longer a part of my life. Although I had known it was over for a very long time, that didn't make it hurt less or make it easier to deal with the memories when we were happy. I stayed strong and sorted through my life, discarding everything that dealt with him. He hurt me, devastated me and the idea of keeping something that reminded me of that deep dark place was unbearable. Maybe I should have reconsidered. Maybe I should have kept the hand written poem about my eyes or the bookmark from my planner with a quote about love and our picture. Maybe one day I'll regret it, but as for today, I did what I thought was best.

    I know throwing away pictures, notes and everything else that whispers his name will never erase the memory of him but maybe, just maybe it will make the memory of him a little further away...